I am about to get as real as I have ever gotten. I hope you are ready.
I am a very loving person. I give love easily and without a second thought.
The more I've thought about myself and issues I have, I realize that I have never really felt like I was loved by a man. Sure, I was married for 19 years. I guess there were times that I felt love. But, honestly, I was ready to be married at the age of 19, thinking that would fix my hole in my heart. (I was not living for God from about the age of 15 until I lost the twins at 23.) If he was my husband, and he loved me, then life would be good, right? WRONG!
I have written this many times. God is love. It's in the Bible. And yet, I sit here, wishing for a man to love me.
Yesterday, I had a DUH moment. While, wanting a man to love me in and of itself isn't "wrong".... that should NOT be my goal. I thought, "Get it together, Jill. You need God. You need Him to heal your heart and love you." (I also need to let Him bring a man into my life and stop trying to do it myself.)
This can be a difficult thing for some people. They so desperately want to feel the love of a person of the opposite gender, so that causes them to make stupid mistakes.
I am pretty sure I understand love. God is love. I love my children with ever fiber of my being. But the word "love" is so over used. "I love Broncos football. I love caramel. I love my job." There are actually different types of love. We are just bad about using the word in all the contexts.
God's kind of love is AGAPE love. Agape is a Greek word for love. It means "unconditional". God knows me better and more intimate than any man ever will. If I will be patient and let Him love me, He has a plan and a man for me. However, patience is not one of my gifts. LOL
I will do my best to focus on Him and allow His healing to take place in my life. That's what is best for me right now. I will admit, it's going to be tough. With God, ALL things are possible though... so I will be just fine.
Have any of you ever struggled with this?